


Time Flies Like an Arrow- Fruit Flies Like a Banana

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Everybody Lives, Fix-It, Gen, Illogic hurts so I fic, Is it crack if I treat time travel the way Marvel did?, Mostly it's Wanda, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Team Tony, Thanos (Marvel) Dies, Thanos dies several times just to make sure, Time Travel Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-12-20 17:04:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21060149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: In which Wanda (and other people) take advantage of time travel fix-its, according to MCU rules





	1. Seeing is Believing

**Author's Note:**

> The title is a quote from Groucho Marx. If he wrote fanfic, it would be pure crack.

Wanda was a little confused. "So," she asked Sam Wilson, "you're Captain America now? What happened to Steve?"

"Oh," Sam said vaguely, obviously distracted by the shield he was holding, trying to angle it to catch his reflection, "He went back in time to put back the Stones, right?"

"Yes?" Wanda said. Her eyes widened. "Did he die?"

Sam looked up at that. "Oh, no! No, Cap's fine! He got the job done, and then he stayed. To be with Peggy," he continued, "His one true love. It was beautiful."

"So he didn't come back?" Wanda felt lost. Steve had been her support when she needed him, and now she needed him even more.

"Well, yes... and no?" Sam put the shield down gently. "He'd given up everything for us, so he deserved to get his life back, you know? He got back here the regular way, just... he's old. Like... um... a hundred and five. He looks damn good for his age."

Wanda blinked. "But," she asked hesitantly, "if he... didn't that change things?"

"Oh, no, that's ok," Sam said cheerfully. "It turns out that if you go back and do stuff, it only changes what you want it to change. I mean... Nebula? You met her? She killed herself when she was a lot younger, and she's fine. Gamora got killed on Vormir, right? But Gamora from the past came forward and she's good. It's all cool."

"Oh." Wanda nodded. "Thank you for explaining it. So... you're the leader of the Avengers now?"

"Yes!" Sam grinned. "Things are a little confused now, but you know where the compound is, right? It's still there and you always have a home with us."

"Thank you," Wanda said with a smile. "I just... I need a little time." She blinked back tears.

"Are you all right?" Sam said with sympathy.

"Oh, yes." Wanda brushed the tears away. "It's just... I'm so happy for Steve."

Sam gave her a hug, and then walked away to practise throwing the shield.

So, Steve could fix time to make himself happy, and it didn't hurt anything. Why can't she do that, too? She could understand that you couldn't have everyone going back and messing around, but she wasn't _anyone_ she was an Avenger. She'd lost more than Steve had, didn't she deserve happiness, too? 

She listened in on all the others' thoughts. Some of them felt the time switching devices should be destroyed, while others argued they should be saved for emergencies, but none of them even thought for a moment about her. If she asked permission, she risked them saying no, that she's being selfish and what if she made a mistake in the past?

She wouldn't make any mistakes. She knew what she was doing. She always knew what she was doing. She would plan this very carefully. Nothing would go wrong.

It took a few days to find out exactly what she had to do, and who she had to recruit to help her. Scott Lang was perfect. He had no moral objections to stealing- he thought of himself as a modern Robin Hood. If the theft was for a good cause he wouldn't hesitate.

He was so easy, she didn't even have to use any influence beyond tears. And she was honest with him. It wouldn't do any harm. Everyone was ignoring her suffering because she was alone, and an orphan, and not even a citizen of the US. She had to live on their charity, so she couldn't make demands, she could only ask.

"So, I'm asking you, Scott, please." She laid her hand lightly on his arm, and made her eyes huge and vulnerable. "Please. I know I could do this, if only I had the chance. I don't..." she sniffled. "You know what it's like to lose the person you love. Vision was everything to me. We were both so different, no one else would ever..." She felt tears flow down her cheeks. "He trusted me. He asked me... to kill him... so Thanos wouldn't win. And I did, but... Thanos brought him back and... he... he... hurt Vision... hurt him and then..."

"It's... it'll be all right," Scott said, awkwardly patting her on the shoulder. "I'll do it. I can get everything you need."

Wanda was a little nervous. When she was learning English, she had read a story where a time traveler stepped on a prehistoric butterfly and when he returned to his own time the president of the US was a dictator for life who declared war on the whole world? Or maybe everyone was a tentacled telepathic alien? Or he'd become his own father and mother and abandoned his baby self to become a recruiter for time soldiers? She calmed herself. Those were just silly stories. There was nothing to worry about. Steve had done it with no harm, she just... wouldn't step on any butterflies. Just in case.

Scott gave her everything she needed and enough of an explanation on operating the nano-tech quantum... whatever. It formed into a suit and she could travel in time. She didn't need to know more than what button to push. She gave Scott a thin, nervous smile, and then put on a brave face.

"You don't have to do this," he said.

"If I don't, who will?" she asked him. "Who else would risk their life for Vision? Who else even remembers him?"

Scott frowned. "He was a robot Stark made? I mean, before he got to know you and became a real person, like Pinocchio?"

Wanda clenched her fists, to keep her temper, and her power, under control. "Vision was always a real person, a gentle, loving, brave person. He deserves to live."

"Ok, ok," Scott said. "I agreed. I'm helping you. He's important to you, I get it." Scott waved at the platform. "So, go get him."

"Yes." Wanda stepped onto the platform.

And appeared just where she planned, behind a tree, looking at her old self crying as Vision tried to convince her to destroy the Mind Stone, destroy... kill... him.

"Stop!" Wanda said, stepping out into view. "It won't work, anyway. Thanos will use the Time Stone. He will bring you back to life, Vis, only to kill you again."

"Ah," Vision said. "I should have considered that."

"Who are you?" past Wanda said, hands up and ready to fight.

"I'm you from the future. We don't have time to argue. Thanos is going to be here in a few minutes. I'll hide and while he's gloating and distracted by you two, I'll get the Infinity Gauntlet from him. When he loses the power that gave him, we can easily kill him."

Vision looked steadily at her. "Are you changing the future? The repercussions... I cannot countenance it, merely to save my life."

Wanda huffed at him. "No, it's fine. Really, Steve did it, and other people did it, and all it changed was what they wanted to change. Steve spent his whole life with his Peggy and it didn't change the outcome of the Chitauri invasion or what happened with Hydra in Shield or anything else. You can live, Vision. It won't hurt anyone else. Please..."

Past Wanda suddenly nodded. "Yes. Go, hide yourself," she told Wanda.

Vision looked doubtful, but he nodded.

Thanos showed up a few minutes later, big and boastful, just as Wanda remembered him. Only this time past Wanda and Vision fought him together. Wanda waited her moment when he had his hand spread, showing off the Infinity Stones, and then she _pulled_. The gauntlet flew to her, and past her, far out of Thanos' reach. She wasn't stupid enough to touch the thing. Steve would find it. Or T'Challa. It would be fine.

Thanos turned and roared at her.

Vision blasted him with the Mind Stone. Thanos staggered. Past Wanda telekinetically lifted a boulder and smashed Thanos in the head. He fell.

"We must be sure," Wanda said. She'd borrowed Clint's sword for this moment. She stepped forward and tried to cut off Thanos' head. The blade stuck.

"Allow me," Vision said. He took the blade from her and struck down, taking off Thanos' head with one clean move. He grimaced. " 'If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well. It were done quickly.' " He held the sword out to Wanda. "You should probably leave now. To avoid awkward questions."

"Yes." Wanda took the sword. She wanted to kiss Vision, but past Wanda was glaring at her. She pressed the recall button.

"Wanda!" Vision said. He was standing next to Scott, who looked perfectly normal, no more confused than usual. "You were correct. It didn't change anything else."

"Oh, Vis!" Wanda ran forward and threw her arms around him. "I love you, I missed you so much."

Vision laughed. "I didn't miss you at all. We were always together. As it was meant to be."

Scott coughed. "I'll just be going. You two definitely don't need me."


	2. More Haste, Less Speed

Wanda didn't think of anything besides her life with Vision for a few days. Even the simplest things were a joy, cooking a meal, watching the sunset together, walking hand in hand down to the nearby market, but then he was called to a mission, something technical and boring where her abilities weren't needed. The Avengers now worked for the government... or maybe the U.N.? Things had apparently changed during the five years when she wasn't. She had a vague idea that Nat and Steve had been in charge, but Nat was dead and Steve was old and retired, so she wasn't sure who was paying the bills and giving the orders now. Sam didn't have the money, Stark had stopped funding them years ago, and T'Challa had a lot of problems in Wakanda.

She hadn't paid much attention to anything after she came back from not being so she really wasn't sure. For her, it had only been a few hours since Vision was taken from her, and he was all she thought about. Up until he was assigned to run herd on a wayward computer hacker, or whatever it was, she hadn't let him out of her sight, hadn't been lonely for a moment.

But now, now she walked around in their small government subsidized apartment and was lonely again. She didn't have any real friends outside of the Avengers, and hardly saw even any of them. Sam was busy settling into his new role, Rhodes was doing something with the military? She hadn't had much to do with him because he'd been Stark's best friend and that was awkward, and Barnes, she'd barely met him and now he was taking some kind of classes, something about claiming his G.I. Bill rights, whatever that was, Bulk... Bruce/Hulk was boring and really a depressing person to be around, old Steve just freaked her out, Clint-- she thought she could count on Clint, but no, he'd gone home to his family farm. Even Scott had family of a sort, his girlfriend and his daughter and the friends he'd made in prison.

Wanda wanted something like that. She wanted family... oh. She wanted Pietro. And why couldn't she have him? She still had the nano-tech, and Scott now knew that it was perfectly safe, so why wouldn't he help her again? Pietro could be an Avenger. He could be friends with Vision and be there for her, when no one else would. He'd always been at her side. She loved Vision, but now that she thought about it, she'd always felt incomplete, even when Vision was with her. Twins have a connection unlike anything else. 

Until she got Pietro back, Wanda would never be whole again.

Scott was easy, as always. A few tears, heartfelt and honest, and he melted. "I don't... I don't even have a picture of Pietro," she told Scott. "We were poor orphans, and then we were Hydra's experiments. Pietro never had a chance. He never knew anything except fighting to survive. Fighting for me." 

She didn't tell Vision what she was planning. She didn't think he'd try to argue her out of it, but he was on radio silence during his mission, and she didn't want to wait. What if something happened? What if Scott accidentally told Sam about it and Sam told the government? It wasn't like the old days when Steve decided everything and he didn't have to wait for some pencil-pusher's approval.

Wanda stepped back to Sokovia, right where and when she needed to be. "NO!" she shouted, sending the bullets back to Ultron's ship and casting a bright protective dome of red over Pietro, Clint, and the child Clint was holding.

"Wanda?" Pietro said, blinking at her. "Weren't you..."

"Supposed to be protecting the core?" Clint asked. He looked more annoyed than grateful for the save.

"Yes, yes! All right!" Wanda ran back to the church, where past Wanda fired a blast at her. "STOP IT! IT'S ME!" Wanda shouted.

"What?" Past Wanda asked.

"Time travel!" Wanda snapped. "Oh, just be ready. Ultron's coming back, and the city's going to fall. " Wanda told her past self, "Be good to Pietro!" and then she snapped her return button.

"Where's Pietro?" she shouted when she returned and the only one there was Scott. "What did you do?"

"Nothing! Nothing!" Scott said. "He's on a mission, in Somewhereisstan, you know? Undercover?" Scott smirked. "They made him dye his hair, but he's still got the girls falling all over him."

"Oh." Wanda took a deep breath. "He's all right?"

"He's fine. He wanted to be here when you took your trip to save him, but you know, he's an Avenger, he's got to go when he's called." 

"Yes." Wanda smiled. "Pietro is an Avenger."


	3. Going to the Mom and Pop Store

It was good to have Pietro back, very good. Of course, it wasn't the same as it had been in Sokovia when they were so much closer, because they were fighting for survival at first, and then training hard to prove themselves to Hydra, so they could get revenge on Stark. 

Oh. They had wanted revenge because he _killed their parents_. She'd been helpless then.

She wasn't helpless, NOW. She looked down at her hands. She'd messed up in Lagos because she wasn't ready. She thought 'bomb' and just wanted it away, away. She'd practiced since then, had Pietro try to startle her, try to make her lose control. She could handle bombs. She certainly could handle bombs when she knew they were coming.

Scott was a little reluctant, this time. "You know, I can't keep shuffling around the stock of Pym particles forever, to make it look like they're all there. I used to do that with Oreos," he said.

Wanda blinked at him. "Oreos?"

"They're, you know, chocolate sandwich cookies? They pack them in trays, really tight, and if you slit the package carefully, and take out a couple and wiggle them it looks like they're all there?"

Wanda frowned. "Why would you do that?"

"I wasn't supposed to eat them. You wouldn't know it to look at me now, but I was a fat kid. Mom used to hide the Oreos."

Wanda didn't understand that at all. "My mother never hid food from us. Even when there wasn't really enough, we shared what we had." Wanda drew a sharp breath. "Our parents were so good to us. We didn't have much, but..." she let a tear fall, slowly. "We had each other, and that was enough."

Scott visibly squirmed. "All right, ok, but this is the last time, right? You don't have any other family, or pets, or...favorite school teachers you want to save?"

Wanda shook her head. She didn't think it would be helpful to mention her Hydra teachers. She certainly didn't want to save them. All they did was use her. They weren't her friends. "No, Pietro and I have no other family."

It had been early evening. They'd been gathered around the table for their meal. They could hear other families in their building going about their daily routines. It had been a warm night, and the window had been open to let in what breeze could find its way between the tenements.

Wanda remembered it perfectly. She appeared on the rooftop between several of the dovecotes one of their pigeon fancying neighbors had built from salvaged crates and chicken wire. The birds made a brief fuss, but when they saw she wasn't bringing them food they settled back down to coo and cuddle with each other.

Wanda looked up into the sky, over the rooves... or is it roofs? English is confusing. Sometimes she just gave up and went into people's minds to make them hear what they expected. Natasha had commented that Wanda's accent came and went, so she tried not to do it too often, but sometimes English just... It would be good to have her family back, to be able to speak her own language again.

She rose up and listened with her mind. Someone flew the plane that dropped the bombs and she knew what a pilot's mind was like when they were flying.

Ah, there it was, a mind concentrating on flying, thinking about his mission, to drop bombs and create confusion. He didn't even care where he dropped them! She flexed her hands and considered making him crash the plane... but maybe that would be too much interference? No, she was going to stay focused and save her family, that was why she was here. A few moments later she heard the plane itself, a whining drone, and then the mind coldly decided that this was a good place, residential, unimportant, no industry, just people worthless to the cause, whose deaths would serve as a rallying point.

Wanda was shaken by the bland everyday pragmatism of that mind. She was not so shaken that she didn't react when she felt him trigger the release to drop his bombs. He kept flying, dropping bombs as he went, but only two of them mattered. She reached out and found the mechanism in the first bomb, the one that had killed her parents, and forced it to explode in mid air scattering most of the metal over a wide area, with none of the pieces very large.

The second bomb was in her mind's grasp, but it refused to explode. That was right, it hadn't exploded the first time. So she pushed it to one side, forcing it to an open plaza. She followed it down, determined to shred it, to wipe the hateful STARK logo into metal confetti.

She stared at it, ignoring screams and sirens and searchlights. She reached out with her telekinesis, and peeled the bomb casing like an orange, wanting to rip into the heart of it, pull out wires and circuits and... sand? Pale yellow sand poured from the hole. There were wires, too, randomly stuck in, unconnected to anything. She gathered a handful of sand, puzzled. Why would Stark do this? Why would he? It just... didn't make any sense.

Well, it didn't matter, did it? Her parents would live. She'd saved them. She smiled and dusted the sand off her hands before returning to her new future.


	4. Stark Contrast

Pietro waved cheerfully at Wanda when she came back to the future. "Mom and Dad say hi," he said. "They want to know when we're going to visit."

"We could go today!" Wanda said. "We don't have any missions or anything."

Pietro shrugged. "That's the problem. When we don't work, we only get the stipend. We don't have enough to pay for airfare to Sokovia."

Scott nodded. "The government's on a penny pinching kick with us."

"Pay for airfare?" Wanda asked. "Why? Can't we just take the Avengers quin-jet? We could be back by tomorrow, no one would even have to know."

Pietro huffed. "They'd know, Wanda. They log the flight hours and the fuel use and complain if we're 'not efficient'. Even if we're on a mission, if we have to go around an exploding volcano..."

Scott winced. "Yeah, that wasn't fun."

"But did you have to go so far around?" Pietro said in a high-pitched voice. "Are you SURE? Hmmm?" 

Wanda frowned. "But... we're the Avengers."

"There isn't anything to avenge right now," Scott said. "As a team we mostly get sent out for natural disasters. You know earthquakes, floods, forest fires. Little stuff we go out on our own, or in pairs, sometimes we work with local forces. Pietro gets more calls than I do because I don't speak anything except English and a little Spanish Luis taught me." Scott grinned. "I can ask for a beer anywhere in the Spanish speaking world."

"It is not just your language skills that hold you back," Pietro said.

"Hey!" Scott protested, "I have skills, man! Just... not the same ones as you. Ok, we're good now, I'm gonna go. I have a hot lunch date."

"You have a hot lunch date?" Pietro asked, his eyebrows raised.

"I could!" Scott said as he was leaving.

It wasn't fair. Her parents were alive and the only thing keeping her from them was _money_! She kicked at an empty shoebox in her quarters. It hadn't even held designer shoes, much less the custom made boots she used to get when they lived at the Avengers Compound. She could still live there, if she wanted, but it had been cut up and repurposed and was full of strangers. Noisy strangers who were always in the way when she wanted to do anything. The apartment she shared with Pietro and Vision was quieter.

It was small, and boring, but very, very clean. Unless she was on a mission, and for some reason, she had very few calls, she didn't have anything to do except use her powers to clean.

She couldn't go to an expensive restaurant. She couldn't go to her favorite boutique. Vision had more missions than her, and he was always willing to treat her, when he was in town, but his credit line wasn't all that much, either.

She was almost sorry Stark was gone, because while she resented living off the blood money of her parents' killer... wait... that bomb... the second bomb really didn't make sense. Why would he have built a fake bomb and sold it? His company had a reputation to maintain.

Wanda sat down on the second hand couch Pietro had bought after she chased out all the tiny bugs living in it. She thought about it. Stark was proud of his skills. He wouldn't have deliberately made a useless bomb. Natasha had once told her that Stark's business partner had been stealing from him, and selling weapons. At the time she'd just thought 'good, you deserve to be betrayed', but maybe Natasha had been hinting that Stark wasn't responsible for the bombs that destroyed her family?

He had made lots of weapons, and profited from their sale, though. Stark was no saint. But... if he hadn't had anything to do with her family's suffering, then she could take his money without feeling bad about it.

If... if he wasn't dead. Stark Industries wouldn't support the Avengers. His widow made sure of that. She smiled at them politely, and let them attend his memorial service, but she wouldn't fund them. Wanda reluctantly admitted to herself that she understood. If it wasn't for the Avengers, and for Rogers in particular, her husband would be alive. Half of the universe would be dead, but not Stark.

Wanda brushed her fingers over the time band on her wrist. Well, all right then. She didn't hate Stark. He was annoying and she didn't _like_ him, but she could work with him if he was here. If she saved him...

"Last time you said, that was what you said!" Scott protested. "I absolutely can't take even one more vial of Pym particles without it being noticed."

"Dr. Pym trusts you," Wanda said. "He'd never blame you."

Scott shook his head. "He recruited me _because_ I'm a thief. I'd be the first one he suspects."

Wanda thought a moment. "Show me where they are kept, and spend the day with Dr. Pym. You can be as surprised as anyone when they vanish."

"Spend the day with Pym? No, no way, that would make him even MORE suspicious. But... if I had the money... I could take Hope out for one of those romantic day cruises. Yeah, if I had the money."

Wanda sighed. She considered her woefully small credit line and her slender bank account. "Tell me how much it will cost."

The more people were involved the harder it was to do anything, Wanda thought. It would be so much easier to _make_ them do what she wanted, but the therapist she had to go to in order to qualify for the government sponsorship had convinced her that short cut resulted in distrust and dislike and disgust and... it was not worth testing to see if she had been wrong. 

So after cleaning out her meager savings and getting Scott to set up his date with Hope, Wanda had to convince Vision and Pietro to go along with her plan.

"Well," Vision said, "you do have experiential evidence that it does no harm to the time-stream. However, so far all ...retrievals... have been of people personally connected to the time traveller. Might it not make a difference with Mr. Stark? You must admit, you had no close relationship with him."

"I hated him," Wanda said. "Isn't that a close relationship?"

Vision frowned slightly. "I am unsure."

"And, in a way, he was your father," Wanda said. "So you had a close relationship, didn't you?"

Vision tilted his head. "By that logic, Thor, Dr. Banner, Ultron, and the Mind Stone were all my progenitors."

Wanda huffed. "Stark is the one we need back. Think of it, Viz, it's not just for us. What if someone, some ...thing... out there attacks us again? If it wasn't for Stark the Avengers couldn't have gone back in time to stop Thanos in the first place, and Stark was the one to use the Gauntlet successfully the second time Thanos showed up. What if we need Stark again?"

Vision nodded. "True. As Captain Marvel has demonstrated, there are many hostile forces in the universe. Very well, I agree."

Pietro took a little longer to come around because he was used to hating Stark, but really, he'd do anything for Wanda. "I still do not think this is such a great idea," he grumbled to Vision when they had gathered at their send off spot. Wanda shushed him. She didn't want to risk Scott changing his mind. He'd come back from his cruise all smiles, and she wanted to do this before he settled down from his happiness high and started worrying about Pym's threatened investigation into the missing Pym particles. With the information she read from his mind she'd been able to _reach_ into the storage unit and levitate the vials out, so really, there was no trace, and nothing for him to fuss about.

They appeared in the battlefield, directly behind Thanos. Vision used the Mind Stone to confuse Thanos in much the same way Mantis had once lulled him to sleep. Thanos' muscles all relaxed. He snored. Wanda used her telekinesis to rip the gauntlet free, sending it to Pietro.

Pietro had been given a graphic description of what happened if you waffled in your commands, the way Banner had done, or if you held onto it too long, as Stark had done. Wanda had implanted in his mind the command Stark had apparently used so it would be triggered in a flash. After all, Pietro didn't just _run_ fast. If he didn't think fast, he would smash into things all the time. He put on the gauntlet, thought, 'Dust Thanos and his army!' and threw it away almost in the same instant.

Thanos and all his forces dissolved to ashes. The Infinity Gauntlet lay on the ground, looking gaudy and harmless. "Huh," Pietro said. "That was easy."

Dr. Strange protested, "That's impossible! I didn't see this! It doesn't work this way. Stark was supposed to die!"

Pepper, in her Rescue armor, landed in front of Dr. Strange, and punched him in the mouth.

Stark laughed. "You're awesome, Pep. I love you three thousand."

"Oh, Tony," Pepper said, and Wanda stopped paying attention. It probably wasn't the right moment to ask for funding, but she'd saved Stark. He'd be grateful.

Wanda, Pietro and Vision returned to the future. Everything looked the same, but then they were standing in the isolated park where they always time-traveled so of course it looked the same. She took her wallet from her pocket and opened it. Black Amex card in her name. YES. 

"We have reservations for dinner," Vision said, blinking as he did when checking his email mentally.

"So do I," Pietro remarked after a glance at his StarkPad. "With our parents. I'm taking the new Stark jet. Want to change your plans and come along? I know they want to ask Vision about his intentions."

Wanda giggled at the baffled expression on Vision's face. "Next time." Really, this was so simple. She still had a few vials of Pym particles. Maybe she'll go and save Nat. It would make Clint happy, and she likes Clint. Tomorrow. She has all the time in the world. There's no hurry.


	5. EPILOG: Pymping Time

After a long discussion with Wanda, Tony went directly to Hank Pym. "Rogers and Wanda have proved it's safe to go back and change just the bits you want from the past. There's people I want to save, now that I know I won't be risking Pepper or Morgan."

Pym huffed irritably. "I still don't like you, and won't work with you."

"Get over it. Even if my dad HAD stolen your stuff, which he didn't! SHIELD had their sticky fingers in every pie. But, SAY my dad did you wrong, what has that got to do with working with me?"

"I don't care." Pym turned his back on Tony. "I like things as they are now. I have Hope, and I've got Jan back." Then he went very still before turning back to face Tony. "My God. I could go back on that mission, and save Jan from all those years in the Quantum Realm! She didn't have to lose her youth because I failed her!"

Tony blinked. "Wait... she aged normally in the Quantum Realm? Oh... hell... my calculations are all wrong! They were based on Scott's five years missing being only five hours for him in the Quantum Realm. And then... but... oh, never mind, let's pretend I didn't say that. It worked, right? That's all that counts, being RIGHT."

Pym nodded and began pulling out vials of Pym particles. "First we save Jan, and then you can save anyone you want."

"Great!" 

Tony saved his parents. And Yinsen. And JARVIS. And Rhodey's legs. And Maya. 

And then he thought, why not? He went to Washington, D.C. Barnes pulled Rogers out of the Potomac. Tony hit Barnes with Hulk level tranquilizers and took him to future Wakanda.

"DELIVERY for Shuri," he called out cheerfully as he dumped the Winter Soldier, still in body armor and raccoon makeup, in Shuri's laboratory, cruising past all the defenses with ease, aided by Friday and JARVIS.

"WHY?" Shuri asked, grumpily poking at WS with her foot. "WHY am I getting another broken white boy? Do I look like the Colonizer's Aid Society?"

"But it's the SAME broken white boy," Tony pointed out. "Just copy/paste and you're done."

Shuri shrugged. "Fine. But why can't you do it?"

"Too busy. I've got a list," Tony said. "To start off with: Ben Parker. Peter Parker's parents. Dr. Erskine. And a llama named Gerald."

"A llama?" Shuri blinked. "Named Gerald?"

"Yeah. He got cut as an outtake. Bye!" Tony zoomed off to make happy endings for everyone who deserved one. Logic be damned.

**Author's Note:**

> Darn it, I just discovered that Gerald was an alpaca. 
> 
> https://www.themarysue.com/i-stan-tony-stark-alpaca-gerald/
> 
> But for REASONS, I need Gerald to be a llama (en re: The Emperor's New Groove). So in this crack fic, Gerald has changed species.
> 
> Oh! Also, Steve's age--in MCU they had him born in 1918. Infinity War (2018) was five years before Endgame, so Rogers would have been 105... BUT he had LIVED 10 years after being defrosted, so he was really 115 years old when he returned to the park bench.


End file.
